Note: The following is a satirical article I wrote in 2013. I was trying out a new website idea and I needed content to put on it so I could test different styles and formats. Lacking anything better to write, I whipped up this article specifically with three of my friends from New Jersey in mind. We were always joking with each other how New Jersey drivers are terrible and so I wrote this and shared it on Facebook for their benefit. Apparently it struck a chord with many of my friends who all started to share it. It kind of went crazy from there, so much so that my new website crashed from all the traffic. It had over 50,000 shares on Facebook and many, many hilarious comments from outraged New Jersey drivers. One outraged reader even threatened to get my press credentials revoked (although that never happened). It even got enough traction that Snopes had to debunk it, (Click here to read the Snopes article) a personal highlight and source of joy in my life. Then, through the years my satire website went to the wayside and I lost the article to the dust bins of history. It bummed me out. Then today my friend Bryan found a copy of the entire article on a Reddit thread. I was overjoyed! So, here’s the article again for your enjoyment…
Harrisburg, PA. In a move that angered many New Jersey residents and stunned the nation, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbitt signed the “Pennsylvania Safe Highways Act” into law yesterday, marking the first time such a law has been passed in the United States. The law bans New Jersey licensed drivers from operating any vehicle on Pennsylvania highways with fines of up to $1,500 for each offense. An exemption can be made for vehicles with state approved modifications, such as black and yellow reflective vinyl on all the doors and bumpers or a large “Student Driver” sign affixed to the roof of the vehicle.
Naturally, people from New Jersey are being jerks about it. Terry is a New Jersey resident who travels to Pennsylvania for his job.
“What are we supposed to do for our jobs? Those stupid PA people need to realize how much we need their economy. Without being able to drive, we’ll have to rely on our own economy which just isn’t an option.”
When asked if he’s going to risk the heavy fine, he laughed and said, “Morality, like turning signals, is relative. I haven’t been paying attention to driving laws before, why would I start now?”
Not everyone hates the law, however. Mary is a Pennsylvania resident who does a lot of commuting.
“Whenever you see someone hitting a pedestrian or driving down the left turn lane with their right blinker on you know where they’re from. New Jersey! I think it’ll make the highways much safer.”
The insurance companies seem to agree. Geico estimates the savings from banning New Jersey drivers will more than make up for the lost tourism and jobs from the New Jersey citizens. Progressive has announced an immediate premium discount for those PA drivers with uninsured motorist coverage and Nationwide is rolling back it’s Pennsylvania premiums as well, citing a safer pool of drivers on the road.
“When you take out those reckless drivers, the number of claims go down.” Sheila Daniella, the spokesman for Nationwide, says. “It’s simple math.”
Emergency workers are also weighing in the decision. Emily Pratz is an EMT for the Lancaster area emergency response team. “I can’t tell you how many New Jersey license plates I’ve had to remove from unlucky pedestrians. New Jersey folks have the license plates on the front of their cars. I always tell people to check before you just run out on the crosswalk. If there’s a yellow license plate on the front of the car, that car ain’t stopping!”
While PA drivers are seemingly breathing a sigh of relief, some New Jersey residents are threatening to take things into their own hands, forming groups of armed mobs and disturbing Pennsylvania motorists.
When asked about the possibility of violence, Gov. Tom Corbitt just laughed. “Those liberals? They have so many gun laws they aren’t even American. We have more guns. We can take them.” He summed it up by saying, “Those wackers can’t even pump their own gas.”
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